If you’re planning a wedding - chances are you employ the time-honored approach of keeping check-lists. After all, who can account for that wonderful warm feeling that grows in the pit of your stomach when you cross something off a “to do” list? What a feeling of accomplishment to uncap a black magic-marker and draw a huge √ beside an item.
In the wedding department, the first list begins with selecting a day and venue for the ceremony and who among your cherished friends and relatives you will ask to be members of your wedding party.
Then comes the parade of vendors – the wedding officiant of course, the wedding planner- possibly, the DJ or a string quartet or Ralph – your college roommate’s brother who covers Cat Stevens rather well; the caterer or the reception hall or members of Grannie’s culinary club; the florist or the craft store; the stationery store or Photoshop; a professional photographer or Uncle Donald;; the limo rental or your neighbor Greg’s classic Model T; the tuxedo rental or his grandfather’s 1940s suit and fedora; your great aunt Alice’s Victorian gown or a 1970s sassy psychedelic T-length you saw at a consignment store that you can’t get out of your mind or, well let’s face it, some nice satin white palazzo slacks, with a muted lavender peasant top and a white fedora.
Then comes the third list, which in your mother’s eyes should be the first list: the guests; who will be invited? This may give rise to a fourth list: who will not be invited. And then a fifth list: who might be invited depending on how much money is left when the RSVPs start coming back and on who you can verify has been faithfully attending their 12-step program.
Oh dear….
Head scratching, exasperating, infuriating, time-consuming, and stress-inducing? Wait a minute. Isn’t this supposed to be the happiest time of your life?
So how do you avoid the drama, the chaos, the confusion, and the hurt feelings?
Here's how: Don’t worry about any of it. I mean none of it. Make the plans you wish to or need to make – that’s the first list you should start with - and delegate the rest to people you trust or hire. Then, never look back, never second-guess. Establish some basic parameters: what you don’t want absolutely and what you do want absolutely and then let your family members and friends or wedding planner take the ball and run.
Or, if you have no desire to get mired in lists and to be in the role of negotiator and peace-maker in your crazy-making family, then plan the simplest of ceremonies, invite only best friends and immediate family to a nice little gazebo at the center of town, your local park or your back yard.
One certainty that I have discovered after almost a decade of being an officiant is that you can’t control everything that happens at your wedding and if you try, then you will not feel the joy that you are entitled to feel as a bride (or a groom).
Whatever the affair – lavish or modest – if you choose to micro-manage every last detail, you are setting yourself up for disappointment because something is bound to happen outside of the script. And often what happens outside of the script – like the screaming flower girls or the dropped rings or the summer rain shower or Uncle Stanley’s off-color toast– become the funny, charming, memorable moments that made your day sensational.
What’s most important is, because you decided to be happy and relaxed and not a perfectionistic bridezilla with impossible standards on your wedding day, you were actually there – present – you remember it, you lived it. You weren’t a performer or a director or a script-writer, you were the star around which everyone and everything hummed and smiled and oohed and ahhed and whispered blessings and well wishes.
Now that’s a perfect wedding, don’t you think?
In the wedding department, the first list begins with selecting a day and venue for the ceremony and who among your cherished friends and relatives you will ask to be members of your wedding party.
Then comes the parade of vendors – the wedding officiant of course, the wedding planner- possibly, the DJ or a string quartet or Ralph – your college roommate’s brother who covers Cat Stevens rather well; the caterer or the reception hall or members of Grannie’s culinary club; the florist or the craft store; the stationery store or Photoshop; a professional photographer or Uncle Donald;; the limo rental or your neighbor Greg’s classic Model T; the tuxedo rental or his grandfather’s 1940s suit and fedora; your great aunt Alice’s Victorian gown or a 1970s sassy psychedelic T-length you saw at a consignment store that you can’t get out of your mind or, well let’s face it, some nice satin white palazzo slacks, with a muted lavender peasant top and a white fedora.
Then comes the third list, which in your mother’s eyes should be the first list: the guests; who will be invited? This may give rise to a fourth list: who will not be invited. And then a fifth list: who might be invited depending on how much money is left when the RSVPs start coming back and on who you can verify has been faithfully attending their 12-step program.
Oh dear….
Head scratching, exasperating, infuriating, time-consuming, and stress-inducing? Wait a minute. Isn’t this supposed to be the happiest time of your life?
So how do you avoid the drama, the chaos, the confusion, and the hurt feelings?
Here's how: Don’t worry about any of it. I mean none of it. Make the plans you wish to or need to make – that’s the first list you should start with - and delegate the rest to people you trust or hire. Then, never look back, never second-guess. Establish some basic parameters: what you don’t want absolutely and what you do want absolutely and then let your family members and friends or wedding planner take the ball and run.
Or, if you have no desire to get mired in lists and to be in the role of negotiator and peace-maker in your crazy-making family, then plan the simplest of ceremonies, invite only best friends and immediate family to a nice little gazebo at the center of town, your local park or your back yard.
One certainty that I have discovered after almost a decade of being an officiant is that you can’t control everything that happens at your wedding and if you try, then you will not feel the joy that you are entitled to feel as a bride (or a groom).
Whatever the affair – lavish or modest – if you choose to micro-manage every last detail, you are setting yourself up for disappointment because something is bound to happen outside of the script. And often what happens outside of the script – like the screaming flower girls or the dropped rings or the summer rain shower or Uncle Stanley’s off-color toast– become the funny, charming, memorable moments that made your day sensational.
What’s most important is, because you decided to be happy and relaxed and not a perfectionistic bridezilla with impossible standards on your wedding day, you were actually there – present – you remember it, you lived it. You weren’t a performer or a director or a script-writer, you were the star around which everyone and everything hummed and smiled and oohed and ahhed and whispered blessings and well wishes.
Now that’s a perfect wedding, don’t you think?